Tuesday, 22 October 2013

14 Things The Average Woman Thinks While Receiving Oral Sex

1. Okay. Lie back. I am in the super-chill and seXXXy zone. Totally not thinking about that f..king mouth-breather Matt who stole my baby carrots from the office fridge today.
2. F..king Matt.

3. I showered this morning, but maybe I should have washed "it" again before he came over. Or not, since that kind of feels like something an old-timey French prostitute would do.

4. Does anyone actually use dental dams besides my weird godmother? She was so drunk at that block party, who knows if she even knew what she was saying.

5. Gosh, he is really getting in there. He’s really wearing my vagina like a Kangol hat right now.

6. A little left. A little right. No, not that far right. There you go. Great. Just keep doing exactly what you’re doing.

7. Dude, when I said “keep doing that” I didn’t mean “interpret my enthusiasm to mean you should do it harder and faster and generally differently.”

8. He’s pretty good at this though.

9. I wonder how much practice he’s had.

10. Did he ever go down on [that girl with the pretentious Twitter you both know]?


12. Is he getting tired? I can’t tell how long he’s been doing it. Oral sex time is like dog years. K here we go—

13. ~~~*~*~**~@Y!&#*$&!$**$&!%

14. Oh, now I guess he wants to have sex. K.


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